Penetration Isn’t the Main Event—So Why Are We Still Treating It Like One?

Ohhh, let’s talk about the gap. Not the one in your favorite jeans after too many holiday dinners—no, no. The orgasm gap. That sneaky, infuriating chasm where, in straight relationships, guys are climbing Everest every time they have sex while a lot of women are just… standing at base camp, shivering, wondering if they packed the right socks.

It’s wild, right? Like, movies and TV have spent decades selling us this lie that women just spontaneously combust into orgasms the second a penis shows up. Spoiler: That’s not how this works. And yet, here we are, still acting surprised when the stats say most women aren’t finishing during penetrative sex. So what’s the deal? Why are we all just… collectively vibing with this injustice?

The Problem Isn’t Your Body—It’s the Whole Damn Script

First off, let’s blame terrible sex ed. Like, wow, what a shock that most of us grew up learning jack-squat about pleasure, especially female pleasure. Schools act like periods are scandalous, but somehow we’re all supposed to magically know how to make a clitoris sing happy birthday? Please.

Then there’s the penetration obsession. Society’s got this weird, stubborn idea that real sex = P-in-V, full stop. Everything else? Foreplay. Warm-up acts. The opening band before the main event. Newsflash: If the opening band is the only part that actually feels good, maybe we’ve been backstage at the wrong concert this whole time.

And don’t even get me started on faking it. Ohhh, honey. If I had a dollar for every time a woman faked an orgasm to spare a guy’s feelings or just end the damn performance… I’d have enough to buy every woman on Earth a vibrator. Stop. You’re not doing anyone favors. Not you, not your partner, not the greater cause of honest, fun sex. You’re just teaching them to keep doing the thing that isn’t working.

Okay, So How Do We Fix This Mess?

1. Ladies, Get Real Friendly with Yourself

Listen, I’m not saying you need to turn your bedroom into a solo sex olympics arena (unless? no judgment). But you gotta know your own body. Like, really know it. Not just the clit—though, hi, queen, that’s important—but inside too. Because if you don’t know what gets you off, how’s your partner supposed to magically figure it out? Mind-reading is not a real sex skill.

Masturbation isn’t just fun (though, yes, so fun). It’s homework. The good kind. The kind where you want to stay up late doing it. Try different touches, pressures, speeds. Get a toy if you’re feeling fancy. Your body’s not a vending machine where the same button works every time. Sometimes it wants a gentle tap. Sometimes it wants you to slap that bitch. (Metaphorically. Or not. You do you.)

2. Guys, the Clitoris Is Not a Mythical Creature

It’s not the Loch Ness Monster. It’s not Bigfoot. It’s right there. And yet, so many dudes treat it like it’s a puzzle box from a horror movie. “If I touch it wrong, will it bite me?” No, dude. It’s not a venemous snake. Ask questions. “Do you like it faster here?” “Should I use my tongue or my fingers?” And then—here’s the real magic—listen to the answers.

And if she’s not sure? If she’s all “Uhhh, I don’t know?” That’s fine. Make it a team effort. “Want me to try this?” “How’s this feel?” Sex isn’t a pop quiz. It’s more like… collaborative art. Sometimes you gotta mix some weird colors before you get the right shade.

3. Stop Performing. Start Feeling.

Here’s a radical idea: Sex isn’t a race. It’s not a checklist (“Foreplay? Check. Penetration? Check. Orgasm? …Uh.”). It’s not even just about orgasms. It’s about pleasure. The whole experience. The build-up. The laughing when someone’s nose gets squished. The “Ohhh, do that again” moments.

So slow. The hell. Down. Penetration doesn’t have to be the main event. Hands, mouths, toys, breath—it’s all part of the fun. And if you take the pressure off “Did I come yet?”, you might actually… you know. Come.

4. Toys Are Your Friends (No, They’re Not Cheating)

Look, if you’re still side-eyeing sex toys like they’re replacing your partner, you’re doing it wrong. A vibrator isn’t the enemy. It’s the wingman. The hype person. The “Let me help you get there faster so we can both enjoy this” buddy.

For solo play: Toys are like training wheels for your pleasure. They help you figure out what you really like. And once you know? Game changer.

For partner play: Incorporating toys isn’t admitting defeat. It’s leveling up. “Hey, this little guy helps me get off—wanna see how?” is way hotter than “I’ll just… fake it again, I guess.”

And guys? If your ego’s all “But what if she likes the toy more than me?”—relax. She’s not gonna run off with a vibrator. (Unless it’s really good. Kidding. Mostly.) A toy can’t cuddle you after. It can’t whisper dirty things in your ear. It’s a tool, not a rival.

5. Talk About It. Actually Talk.

I know. “But sex is supposed to be ~mysterious~ and ~passionate~!” Sure, yeah. It can also be funny. And awkward. And full of questions. “Wait, like… here?” “Is this weird if I—?” “Can we try—?”

The best sex happens when you’re both invested in making it good. And that means talking. Not just in the heat of the moment, but after. “That thing you did with your tongue? Chef’s kiss.” “Next time, maybe less… elbow?”

And hey, if you’re both new to this? Even better. You get to explore together. No pressure. No “This is how it’s always been done.” Just… “What if we tried this?”

The Big Picture: This Isn’t Just About Orgasms

Yeah, orgasms are great. But this gap? It’s about so much more. It’s about women feeling like they deserve pleasure. Like their bodies aren’t broken if they don’t come from penetration alone. Like they don’t have to apologize for taking too long or needing more.

It’s about men realizing sex isn’t a performance. That their worth isn’t tied to how fast they can make someone come. That asking questions isn’t weak—it’s smart.

And it’s about all of us realizing that good sex isn’t a destination. It’s a conversation. A game. A “Let’s see what happens” kind of adventure.

So yeah. Close the gap. Not because you have to. Not because it’s fair (though, uh, it is). Because sex is way more fun when everyone’s having a good time.